Managing the Emotions of Sharing
Polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy that involves having romantic relationships with multiple people, with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved1. Polyamory can be a rewarding and fulfilling way of living for some people, but it also comes with its own challenges and complexities. One of the most common questions that polyamorous people face is: how do you deal with the emotions of sharing your partners with others?
In this post, I will share some of my personal experiences and insights as a polyamorous person, and offer some tips and advice on how to manage the emotions of sharing in a healthy and respectful way. I will also address some of the myths and misconceptions that surround polyamory, and explain why it is not a threat to monogamy, but rather a different and valid option for some people.
What is polyamory and why do people choose it?
Polyamory is a term that comes from the Greek word “poly”, meaning many, and the Latin word “amor”, meaning love2. It describes the practice or desire of having more than one romantic or sexual partner at the same time, with the informed consent of all partners involved3. Polyamory is not the same as polygamy, which involves being married to more than one person, usually in a religious or cultural context4. Polyamory is also not the same as cheating, which involves breaking the trust and agreement of a monogamous relationship5.
People choose polyamory for different reasons, and there is no one right or wrong way to be polyamorous. Some of the possible benefits of polyamory include:
- Having more love, support, and companionship in your life
- Exploring different aspects of your identity, sexuality, and expression
- Learning new skills, perspectives, and experiences from your partners
- Having more freedom, flexibility, and autonomy in your relationships
- Enhancing your communication, honesty, and trust with your partners
- Challenging the social norms and expectations of monogamy
- Celebrating the diversity and uniqueness of human relationships
Of course, polyamory is not for everyone, and it also has its drawbacks and difficulties. Some of the possible challenges of polyamory include:
- Facing stigma, discrimination, and misunderstanding from society
- Managing your time, energy, and resources among your partners
- Negotiating your boundaries, needs, and expectations with your partners
- Dealing with jealousy, insecurity, and fear of loss or abandonment
- Handling conflict, disagreement, and change in your relationships
- Balancing your personal, professional, and social commitments
- Finding compatible and respectful partners who share your values and goals
How do I manage the emotions of sharing my partners with others?
One of the most common and natural emotions that polyamorous people experience is jealousy. Jealousy is the feeling of fear, anger, or sadness that arises when you perceive a threat to your relationship or your self-esteem. Jealousy can be triggered by various factors, such as:
- Comparing yourself to your partner’s other partners
- Feeling insecure about your attractiveness, worthiness, or compatibility
- Feeling left out, neglected, or replaced by your partner’s other partners
- Feeling threatened by your partner’s other relationships or activities
- Feeling guilty, ashamed, or conflicted about your own feelings or actions
Jealousy is not a sign of weakness, immaturity, or failure. It is a normal and valid emotion that can be used as an opportunity for growth and learning. Here are some tips on how to cope with jealousy in a constructive and compassionate way:
- Acknowledge and accept your feelings. Don’t deny, suppress, or judge your jealousy. Instead, try to understand where it is coming from and what it is telling you about your needs and desires. Be honest and gentle with yourself, and don’t blame yourself or your partner for your feelings.
- Communicate with your partner. Don’t bottle up, lash out, or act out your jealousy. Instead, share your feelings with your partner in a respectful and non-accusatory way. Use “I” statements, such as “I feel…”, “I need…”, or “I want…”. Listen to your partner’s feelings and perspective, and try to empathize with them. Express your appreciation, affection, and commitment to your partner, and ask for reassurance, support, and validation if you need it.
- Work on your self-esteem. Don’t base your self-worth on your partner’s actions or opinions. Instead, focus on your own strengths, achievements, and goals. Cultivate your hobbies, interests, and passions. Seek out positive feedback and encouragement from your friends, family, and community. Practice self-care and self-compassion, and treat yourself with kindness and respect.
- Celebrate your partner’s happiness. Don’t see your partner’s other relationships as a competition or a threat. Instead, see them as a source of joy and enrichment for your partner and yourself. Practice compersion, which is the feeling of happiness for your partner’s happiness with others. Appreciate the diversity and variety that your partner’s other partners bring to your life. Be grateful for the opportunity to share your partner’s love and to love them more fully.
Conclusion
Polyamory is a challenging but rewarding way of living for some people. It requires a lot of communication, honesty, and respect among all partners involved. It also involves managing the emotions of sharing your partners with others, especially jealousy. By acknowledging, communicating, working on, and celebrating your feelings, you can overcome jealousy and enjoy the benefits of polyamory. Remember, polyamory is not better or worse than monogamy, it is just different. And different is beautiful.